"31 things I wish I'd known about dating when I was 21"

-Taken from MSN's lifestlye page-

At 31, dating blogger Erin Meanley looks back and shares 31 dating truths she wishes she had known ten years earlier when she was 21.

[Editor's note: Erin Meanley is the female half of the Glamour.com dating blog, Single-ish. This is an excerpt from that blog.]

I never realized how many opinions I have about dating. I've been dating so long I'm like an octogenarian who feels overly strong about what strawberries should cost or how children should act in public. Anyway, here are some things I've learned in my 31 years, and what I wish I'd known about dating ten years ago:

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.

2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)

3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.

4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.

5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.

6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.

7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.

8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays — even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.

9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.

10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.

11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.

12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.

13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.

14. Guys get resentful, too.

15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess — no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").

16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!

17. Playing it safe guarantees you'll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.

18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.

19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.

20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I've known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.

21. You can't force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn't, don't force it. And don't waste his time.

22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.

23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text.

24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee's five times and you say you want to treat him, he'll be psyched. But secretly he'll freak out if you take him to Ruth's Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don't try to match him one Ruth's Chris for five Applebee's. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday's.

25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.

26. My mom always said, "Men don't think." I thought she meant, "They are mistaken in their thoughts." But they're just not thinking anything at all. About you. They're watching the game. That's why they haven't called.

27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. "The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" (Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 658).

28. Never underestimate the quality of "interesting." Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.

29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you. "The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir 659).

30. Expectations? They'll ruin every dating experience you have.

31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

I read this in someone's note, and I just want to keep it too, so that I can read it again next time. Interesting, very interesting.

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Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
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I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

Dear fever,

Dear fever,

Why do you have to come now? It's really not a good timing. I lose my appetite, no energy, and as of now, my head is being disturbed by your friend; pain. I'm sorry, but now isn't really the best time for you to visit me. I have finals starting next week, and it's my most crucial week, as I'll be having 4 major papers next week. Plus, there's the Healing & Prophetic Crusade this weekend. And I have lots of other stuff to do. How am I to do when you're around? You're taking my strength away, and also my appetite.

No strength-appetite=Weak. When I'm weak, I can't study, can't sleep well, can't do those things I got to do. Can't think properly. Many other things, fever.

Plus, I'm alone now. When ever you come to visit me, I wish there's someone around me; to take care of us, and pamper me as you take everything away from me. But, I'm alone now. So, why now? I know this is your annual visitation time; at the end of every semester. But do you REALLY have to come? I mean, can't you at least wait, or come a few days earlier and leave?

Its already Wednesday night, fever. Haven't studied much yet, and this is not what I expected. Really. I have my target, which I really want to achieve. And you coming down at this time, it's really not helping. Plus, that decision I have to make now, sigh...

I don't know. Please go away? Please? Come back later. I'll be prepared then. I don't know what much to say already, except to try to study.

Sadly for you, no matter what, you'll definitely have to leave, sooner or later. Because, my God, is going to defeat you, and give me complete healing, in no time. So, have a good time away =)

Yours sincerely,

Sheren