Its about 3.15pm now. I woke up at around 11am. I did wake up earlier, at about 6 something, 7 something, 9 something. Most sane people who have finals now and also 2 long-pending assignments to complete and 1 proposal to do would wake up, and start their day off with showering, chat with God after quiet time, breakfast, and starting on their work. But I didn't. Something new? No, definitely. Not that I like being like this though. This is why I think a lot. Or maybe, I just think about this too;about how I am always and etc. I don't know why I always make things complicated.
What is it that I'm actually looking for? What is it that I actually want? What is it that I'm actually not happy with? What is it that I actually think is wrong? Why am I not doing anything about it? Or am I? What am I actually expecting? There are a lot of things within me that I'm not ok with talking about it to anyone. Anyone at all. Why? I'm embarrassed with some of the things, I'm shy of some, afraid of some and also maybe afraid that if I talk about some of the things, people might either laugh at me or think that I'm someone they didn't expect I was. Am I running away from it? Not really, I just wanna put it all away. Letting go of all that. Maybe I am running away from some of the truth. But I don't want it to remain like how it is now and has always been. I wanna change it. I wanna bring a difference and make a difference in their life.
They mean a lot to me. They've done a lot for me. They still are doing a lot for me. Why am I embarrassed to talk about them? I shouldn't be. Maybe its because of the type of people I mix with. I have a lot of friends. Really a lot, though I'm not really close to any of them. Yea, I'm am close in certain things with some of them. But, deep down inside me, I know that I don't actually have anyone whom I can tell everything to. No one at all. There's always certain boundaries and limits that I keep when it comes to anyone at all.
Sadly, including my mum. Coz' that's how she makes me feel. Sometimes its really really hard to talk to her about stuff. Coz' she makes me feel likes I'm just complaining and acting like I have the worst problems and that I'm going through a lot and there are a lot of other people who are going through worse than me. Sorry to say, she's wrong. Well, the part that there are others who go through worse things compared to me maybe right, I can't deny that. But she's wrong that I'm just complaining and acting childish and acting like my problems are the worst and etc. I'm not. Everyone has problems. Everyone go through hard times. But I'm not saying mine is the worst of anything a person can go through. I just have problems of my own too, and I don't want to be compared with others and I just want to share it with someone, to let it out, and to have someone to talk to about it, and sometimes, just sometimes, get some advice and motivation. Not that my mum is never helping. But, most of the time she doesn't even let me finish before she jumps into conclusion. And I don't like it when ever she compares. I really wish my mu and me can be close like how other girls are with their mums. I miss my mum. And honestly, she's the one I love the most.
Well, not saying that she's the only one in my heart. That would be Jesus :) Yes, Him. Though my actions doesn't show that at all. But that's the truth. Not that I don't love anyone else. I do. Its just something I realised when Rev. Teh shared in e.CF that day. Unfortunately, I can't remember the date. But that's not important. What's important is, what he shared. That we should make God the first in our lives and everything we do. But we must make Him the only. And in everything we do, we must do the best coz' we love Him and we're doing it for Him. We wanna give the best and do the best for everything coz' we wanna make Him happy coz' we love Him. Actions speaks louder than words. I know my words are louder than my actions. But. I'm still trying to live according to what I say. Trust me, there ARE changes. I should know, its about me. As much as I say that I hate myself and I don't understand myself, the truth is, sorry, the SWEET truth is, I do love myself, coz' He first loved me, and I do understand myself. Maybe not in everything and definitely not better than Him. But how can I not know and understand myself? I say all that in anger. An angry man, in this case, girl, can say anything :) :p
So anyway, I've just been thinking why am I still feeling so relaxed when I'm actually having my finals now and my assignments are still not done and my law paper is this Sunday and I've not been studying yet and just browsing the internet and watching series and movies. I don't know, honestly. Its pure laziness. Nothing else. As much as I hate it, I'm still doing it. Which is making me hate it even more.
I always think a lot about this particular verse; Matthew 6:33 - But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Is this why I'm so relaxed? But I'm not really seeking Him. Am I? I need a mentor. I need motivator to motivate me. Do I? Deep within me, I know that only I can change this. Only I can make a difference. Only I can take the first step. I guess this is where the letting go part comes in. I need to let go some of the things. Its hard. Really hard. But I have to. I NEED to. Or else, I'm just gonna remain the same old Sheren for ever.
See if I have any changes later today and time to come, I'll talk about it here.
Signing out for now. Gonna hit the law book.
Sheren
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